Stella Marie

I honestly thought the loss of Stella would hurt less by now. I am still having a hard time with the sudden nature of her death, and missing her presence in our home. Being at home during the day is hard, as she was always in the room with us or bathing in the sun out back.  I find myself thinking I see her in the corner of my eye, laying on our bed or in her crate taking a nap. I took out our old computer this afternoon so that I could look at pictures of her and just let myself be sad for a bit. David has been encouraging me to write a blog post about her, but I haven't been sure what to write that would do her memory justice.

During the last few weeks, I've realized just what an important part of our lives Stella truly was. She was the first big purchase that David and I made together. She was "ours," not something that one of us brought into our marriage and then shared with the other. She was our wedding gift to each other, our chance to practice parenthood on a more forgiving subject, something bigger than ourselves to care for for the first time in our lives. I've always loved the first picture below of her in the living room of our first house. Before the clutter of kids, jobs, and 8 years together, Stella was our everything.





When I suffered a miscarriage at the very end of 2007, it was Stella who stayed in bed with me all day and let me cry and hold her. She was my baby when all I wanted in the world was a baby to hold. I will forever be grateful to her for that, as the loss of a baby is made a tiny bit easier when one has a cuddly friend waiting at the end of each day.

Stanely has adjusted amazingly well to life without Stella. It's crazy when I think that the first seven years of his life were spent with her and the second seven will not be. I just always assumed that they would grow old together and be best friends forever. Stanley cuddles with us a bit more these days, sleeps in bed with us at night, and tries climbing onto the sofa any chance he can. I'm not sure how much of it is sadness that his friend is gone, and how much is him taking advantage of all the extra headrubs and cuddles we want to give him. Either way, it feels nice to have him closer.


 

We spread Stella's ashes at her favorite park last weekend. We hiked to one of our favorite swimming spots with the girls and Stanley, then took turns dropping some of her ashes into the little waterfall there. It was so strange to be at the park without her leading the way on the trails, and leaving at the end of our trip was hard. But we love that we can go back there anytime we want now and think of her, running with her friends and brother, swimming with our girls, and playing at her favorite place in the world.
 

And now I just have more pictures of Stella to share. I chose some of my favorites, ones that make me smile and think of all the happy times we shared with our girl. We miss her so much, but will be forever grateful for all the love she gave us.